Darkseid's Blog
by Doctor Whoops
Summary: Day by day account of the life of a despotic dictator and his gorgeous trophy wife Maxima! From Boom Tubes to Boob Tubes nothing is spared! Updated 19th Aug 2005 Sorry it's been so long!
1. Default Chapter

Thursday :

Woke up this morning and couldn't find my slippers. So I had the chambermaid executed whilst eating my breakfast.

I asked the Parademon to do it quietly, as I've still got a hangover from last night. Unfortunately she screamed so the Parademon had to execute himself as penance. This was messy and there was no one left alive to clear away my plates.

Fortunately Granny Goodness promised to buy me a new pair but I will have to wait until tomorrow.

I spent the afternoon playing with a mother box and managed to get the boom tube to transport 50 of all the socks in Metropolis to the furnaces of Apkolips. I take great pleasure in knowing that the entire male population of Metropolis will be late for work tomorrow as they will not be able to find a matching pair of socks.

Desaad reminded me that tomorrow is Lex Luthor's birthday, I will send him the same thing I gave him for christmas... A hair brush!

Friday, Had a visit from Brainiac today. I told him that I wasn't interested in teaming up against The Justice League again, not after the last time.

Besides, we have nothing in common, I want to rule the cosmos and subjugate everyone to my will and Brainiac just wants to download everyones culture and wipe them all out!

I've no objection to downloading I often use Kazaa myself, and I have made a mental note that when I do eventually conquer the earth, my parademons are to be instructed to spare the lives of the entire cast of "Friends" so that I can force them to make more episodes.

I told Brainiac to get lost, I told him that his existence was pointless and that there is no use clogging up your databanks with what will ultimately be useless and irrelevant information about extinct cultures. Besides who will be left alive to read any of it?

He went away to sulk, like a typical Kryptonian.

Spent the rest of the day watching The Warworld gladiator finals on tele-vid, and concluded that Draaga is a wuss, even Desaad could crush him, and believe me that's not saying much.

Saturday:

I hate saturday's on Apokolips, nothing ever happens, I made the slaves polish my statue, and punished an intergang warlord who tried to double cross me.

I tried to order chinese but they refused to deliver this far, so I forced the female furies to make me pizza.


	2. Downloading

Friday, Had a visit from Brainiac today. I told him that I wasn't interested in teaming up against The Justice League again, not after the last time.

Besides, we have nothing in common, I want to rule the cosmos and subjugate everyone to my will and Brainiac just wants to download everyones culture and wipe them all out!

I've no objection to downloading I often use Kazaa myself, and I have made a mental note that when I do eventually conquer the earth, my parademons are to be instructed to spare the lives of the entire cast of "Friends" so that I can force them to make more episodes.

I told Brainiac to get lost, I told him that his existence was pointless and that there is no use clogging up your databanks with what will ultimately be useless and irrelevant information about extinct cultures. Besides who will be left alive to read any of it?

He went away to sulk, like a typical Kryptonian.

Spent the rest of the day watching The Warworld gladiator finals on tele-vid, and concluded that Draaga is a wuss, even Desaad could crush him, and believe me that's not saying much.


	3. Saturday's On Apokolips

Saturday: 

I hate saturday's on Apokolips, nothing ever happens, I made the slaves polish my statue, and punished an intergang warlord who tried to double cross me.

I tried to order chinese but they refused to deliver this far, so I forced the female furies to make me pizza.


	4. Desaad's Taste In Women

Sunday:

I had too much cheese last night! In my dream I tried to be evil and domineering, but everyone thought I was just cute and fluffy. My Parademons were all teddy bears and everyone laughed at me!

Desaad has suggested I propose marriage to Queen Maxima of Almerac, apparently she's on the lookout for a husband, and even tried to marry Superman once.

I asked Desaad if she was hot, and he said that she was, but I happen to know he sends valentines to Granny Goodness, so I'm a little dubious about his taste.

In any event it doesn't matter, if I marry Maxima I can rule Almerac and extend my empire. So I've boomtubed a squad of Parademons over to fetch her back.

My new slippers are too small, I instruct Granny Goodness to punish herself, which she seems very happy about, apparently she has devised a new form of torture involving an egg whisk and wants to try it out.

I didn't ask for details, there are some things that a power crazy, all seeing leader is better off not knowing...


	5. She's hot! except

Monday:

The parademons return from Almerac with my new bride to be.

My instincts about Desaad's taste were on the money, Maxima has a hot body, but...SHE'S GINGER!!!!

Can you imagine what our children would look like? Doubtless they would inherit my rock faced rugged looks and er... Maxima's ginger hair.

They will definitely get bullied at school, however she is feisty and spits defiance, which I kind of like.

So the wedding will go ahead tomorrow, in the meantime I instruct Desaad to rush out and get me a copy of Ice Cube's new single "you can do it!" it's very catchy...

Granny Goodness stands in the corner leering menacingly and holding her egg whisk, she asks if she can torture my new bride....

Honestly she's even starting to scare me now!


	6. Wedding Day

Tuesday:

Maxima almost destroyed my Palace last night in an attempt to escape, so I had to give in and let Granny Goodness loose on her. Luckily it was only the dungeons on the lower levels that suffered, before my Parademons managed to overpower her. I'm very wary about damage these days as I've only just had the place re-decorated after my last encounter with The Justice League! You have no idea how much it costs, to hire an interior designer to capture the right shades of dark and foreboding so that my surroundings can reflect the blackness of my soul.

But rather than pay the exorbitant bill presented to me I had the designer killed, although not before he had spent my 20 deposit! And now that he is dead I fear I am going to be rather stuck if the place gets hit again.

Anyway, Granny fitted Maxima with a power dampener, and the wedding went ahead! The Furies were bridesmaids, and my son Orion came home to act as best man, Desaad conducted the ceremony.

Basically as I am lord, master and god over Apokolips there is no church here, but as I am head of everything I appointed Desaad as head of the newly founded "Church of Apokolips" and therefore vested him with the powers to preside over weddings, and funerals.

And in order to prevent any interference from The Justice League the invitation I sent states that the wedding is to be held tomorrow!

The Ceremony itself was very simple, Desaad and I came up with the wording last night.

Desaad asked "Do you Darkseid Lord Of Apokolips take this woman Maxima to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

I replied that "I do and so does she!"

And Desaad proclaimed us married simple, I scooped Maxima up and took her to my room before she could say a word, she did however manage to blurt out that "I may have her body but I will never have her heart!"

Never mind, even a power crazy megalomaniac like me knows that you can't have everything can you?


	7. Late comers!

Wednesday:

Maxima seems to have adapted quite well to her new role as my wife, funnily enough this was shortly after she saw my bank statement, and has now asked me to take her on honeymoon.

This is a little tricky at the moment, as I have to be on hand whilst my Parademons set out to crush any and all resistance on my newly acquired kingdom of Almerac. But I promised to see what I could do, I suggested "Warworld" but Maxima prefers "Aruba!"

Superman and a squad from The Justice League turned up this afternoon to try and stop the wedding, I took great delight in telling them that they were too late, but that I had saved them all some cake.

Superman was doing that thing he does when he wants to show how unimpressed he is, i.e. hovering in mid air with his arms folded whilst wearing a sulky expression on his face.

And to emphasise how happy we are, Maxima gave me a full on kiss in front of everyone! I couldn't have planned it better myself!

I was quite impressed by the turnout from the League this time, all the major powerhouses were there, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, the silver one with the red splodgy design on his chest, (so many members now I can't keep up with the names these days) the ginger one with the mace and the beak, the red robot thing with the unnecessary cape, and the red one that jokes and runs fast and er…doesn't do much else!

They all got back in their ship and left, but only the red one that runs took a slice of the cake.

Honestly fighting the League used to be a challenge, but nowadays with so many members on the rosta you never know whom you are going to get. If you decide to attack earth when Superman is having a day off, you could end up facing off with the one that stretches himself to ridiculous proportions, along with the green one that fires arrows, and the blonde one in fishnets that screams a lot!

Next time I wish to strike at earth I will call ahead to find out who is on the rosta that day first, and take it from there, failing that there's always the Teen Titans…


	8. Any Other Business

Thursday:

I led my troops into battle on Almerac.

I stood before the Almerian Council and declared that I Darkseid am now their emperor and that they should all surrender and bow down before me.

Apparently they were in the middle of a high council meeting, and it was pointed out to me that my request was not on the meeting agenda, and that it would have to wait until they reached the "any other business" part of the meeting.

I was told to help myself to coffee and Danish whilst I waited, which I did, before annihilating them all with my omega beams.

Aside from that, the rest of the invasion went smoothly and the entire population were divided into slaves or candidates for para-demon conversion.

The afternoon was spent packing suitcases as I am making good on my promise to take Maxima to Aruba, Desaad has been left with strict instructions that we are not to be disturbed.


	9. I Never Knew It Rains In Aruba

Friday:

Where do I begin? Our honeymoon is a disaster! The honeymoon suite with the stunning beach view was double booked, and we were forced to take rooms on the other side of the building overlooking a construction site!

Room service was late, the champagne was not chilled, the mini bar was out of bourbon, and I forgot to pack my slippers!

And it's been raining all day, and the forecast is the same for tomorrow! I never knew it rained in Aruba, Maxima was in tears, as she wanted to show off her new bikini, so I called in a favour from the Weather Wizard, asked him to make it sunny.

Unfortunately he told me no can do, he is currently holding the entire Caribbean to ransom with wet weather until his demands are met, basically a large amount of dollars can't remember the exact figure but it's a 1 with lots of zero's, to be deposited into his account by midnight.

All of which means there will be no peace and quiet to be had when The Justice League turn the all the islands upside down to find him.

My little "Maxie-woo" was inconsolable that is until I offered to take her shopping…


	10. I thought Czarnian's were extinct!

Saturday:

Our holiday was cut short; Weather Wizard has now added typhoons to the forecast, Maxie and I boom tubed our way back to Apokolips, but at her insistence we stopped off for breakfast at a bar she knows on the outer western rim of the galaxy.

I ordered the House special, which turned out to be, Gordanian Lava Eggs over easy, with the crispy spleen of Nebulan Toad. Maxima opted for bagels and we both had coffee.

Things were going well until some Czarnian Biker woke up from a drunken stupour and decided to pick a fight with me! Apparently he knows Maxima and called her "babe!"

"I thought the Czarnians were extinct!" I told him.

"I'm the last of my kind!" He bellowed, "the one and only!"

I told him that unless he went back to his table this would soon change. After all extinguishing races is something I have often done over breakfast.

He then called me a "Rock faced Bastich!" And asked me to step outside.

Just as we got to the door he threw the first punch…. It tickled, so I gave him one of mine, which didn't.

We wrestled, punched, kicked, destroyed loads of furniture, and took out a couple of walls. Best fun I've had in ages.

At one point the Czarnian who appeared to be called "Lobo" motioned for me to stop I was aware that his alcohol intake had been repeating on him throughout our tussle but now he needed to take a "sick break" as he promptly vomited all over his boots and passed out in the mess.

By now the rest of the bar had joined in and Maxima was holding her own against several other dregs which I helped her finish off, before we boom tubed the rest of the way home.

Desaad was exceptionally subservient upon my return; clearly he had been up to something. I was about to sound him out when the air was filled with the roaring sound of an engine.

It was the Czarnian biker on his space hog.

"WE'RE NOT DONE TILL I SAY WE'RE DONE!" He bellowed as Desaad cowered behind me.

I motioned to the attending Para-demons to keep back whilst Lobo and I went into round two.

Then disaster struck… Lobo destroyed one of my newly redecorated walls, burying me under the rubble. If this keeps up I will have to give serious consideration to taking out house insurance.

I readied myself to burst dramatically through the rubble but then something odd happened. Lobo turned to Desaad and demanded payment.

"Ok I fragged him just as you asked, so hand it over!"

I burst through the rubble, I'm sure it must've looked cool.

"Don't bother Desaad!" I declared, "I've got your reward right here!"

I did exactly what I should've done in the first place and destroyed the Czarnian with my Omega Beams. Then it was Desaad's turn needless to say he went out with a whimper.

"Well that was the best holiday I ever had!" I declared, "anyone want to see our pictures?"


	11. Subliminal Messages

Monday:

A very strange day today, I went for a stroll around the palace. Maxima is being very secretive, and spending a lot of time on the phone. I'm not particularly worried as all communication devices on Apokolips are bugged; death is instantaneous to anyone that dare speak against me.

But something strange was going on and it took me a long time to realise what it was. I kept hearing the same sound from the slaves almost everywhere I went. It was subliminal at first, until I heard it loudly from the slaves and the slave master, you know the one, he usually shouts "Faster dogs! For the glory of Darkseid!" whilst cracking the whip.

(Note I deliberately choose not to know the names of even my most trusted minions in order to help maintain the aloof ever present image of a god like despot.)

Today the slaves were chanting "You can do it put your back into it…I can do it put your # into it!" And the slave master was chanting "Don't stop giddy giddy, don't stop!"

It appears that bootleg copies of the Ice Cube CD that I told Desaad to get for me have been doing the rounds.

The last time this happened was when I bought the Celine Dion song from that movie where the boat sinks. I still get a warm glow of pleasure at the thought of all those people going to a watery grave.

"Titanic" is one of the best comedies I've ever seen, and yes I have stood on the highest rock I could find on Apokolips and shouted "I'm the king of the world!"

Because I am…

This afternoon I had a very confusing conversation with my wife. I thought Maxima asked me for a Boom Tube. So I asked her where it was that she wanted to go?

She then said that she had asked for me to get her a boob tube not a boom tube.

Unable to shake the image of a dimensional portal full of floating boobs from my mind I asked her what a boob tube was, and was disappointed to learn that it's just a kind of girly top.

I ordered her a dozen.

Maxima mentioned my weight again I am going to have to do something about it.


	12. There Are No Fish On Apokolips!

Tuesday:

Maxima has hired me a personal trainer! I tell her that I don't need one, she playfully wobbles my tummy and reminds me that I do.

So as of today I am on a diet, and have to do two hours of aerobics.

No bread, no alcohol, more fruit and vegetables and plenty of fish. I remind Maxima that there are no fish on Apokolips, but she tells me that they have been boom tubed in from the Atlantic.

That's all I need Aquaman on my case…

The female furies join me for aerobics, and I detect amusement from Lashina at my clumsy attempts to move to the music. I would discipline her, but I'm too tired.

Naturally, we exercise to Ice Cube.

Later that day whilst fiddling with my mother box I manage to intercept a consignment of 180,000 Robo sapien toys that are due to be delivered to Toys R Us to meet the incredible demand that this toy has generated in the run up to Christmas.

I keep one for myself and the rest are sent to stoke the fiery pits. I take great pleasure in knowing that Christmas is ruined for 180,000 children.

Well I just didn't want any of you to get the idea that I was getting soft what with the aerobics and the diet and all...


	13. Fries!

Wednesday :

I can't get my Robo sapien toy to work properly. I am trying to train it to be my personal bodyguard and attack unauthorised personnel, but Maxima tells me that they are not designed to do this.

So where's the fun in that?

I've decided that I don't like this toy, and have gone back to playing "Unreal Tournament" over the net.

I've noticed that my new diet is making me grouchy, and I can't stop thinking about fries.


	14. The Incredibles

Thursday :

Today I used my Mother box to get me a happy meal, and it came with a punching Mr Incredible figure that can't stand up.

I saw The Incredibles yesterday, it took me two days to download, it's a really far fetched movie about a family of super heroes, who when they are not out saving the world live in a normal house and do normal things like go to work and go to school.

Huh! As if that would ever happen!

I had to stop my aerobics class today, because I felt sick.


	15. With any luck

Friday:

Maxima is still intent on boosting my public image, and thinks I should release a fitness DVD, and she's even thought of a title: "The Darkseid Of Aerobics." Maxima has been talking to Ice Cube's people (I already know this as the phones are bugged but I don't let on) and they have agreed that we can use the new CD on the workout.

I am not sure about this at all, besides my gut is showing no signs of shrinkage, Maxima say's that this is okay because they can always CGI me a washboard stomach if necessary.

Also they can hire a body double to do all the moves that I find difficult, so with any luck I wont have to appear in it at all!


	16. Christmas On Apokolips

Saturday: Christmas Day…

There is no Christmas on Apokolips…GET BACK TO WORK!

Sunday:

It must be something about holiday seasons that bring the worst out in the lonely. Brainiac has returned!

I'm hungover and feeling queasy, it's 4am and I've just gone to bed. I'm just starting to doze off when that stupid Braindrain size head Brainy uses as a spaceship suddenly lands outside my window and demands to see me.

Apparently he's been thinking hard about what I told him last time, whatever the heck that was! I mean it was weeks ago and I can barely remember yesterday, I also don't have my blog nearby to check back with.

I suggest that he goes away and thinks about it some more, but Brainiac doesn't seem to hear.

"One day I will be alone in a dead universe with all my knowledge!" He moans.

I reassure him that this wont happen, because one day I will rule the universe and no one will be allowed to destroy it unless of course it's me, and frankly I don't see the point of going to all the trouble of invading it just so that some stupid "Speak and Spell" machine can blow it all up.

"Look Brainiac," I finally tell him, "for an artificial intelligence you are incredibly sentimental! You live in the past!"

Brainiac gets all upset and tells me that this isn't true.

"Oh so travelling around the universe and absorbing the biodata of entire galaxies just so you can reminisce about them after wiping them all out is not sentimental?"

He doesn't know how to answer.

"Do you know how many planets I've destroyed?" I ask him.

"Checking data…" He responds.

"Stop!" I shout, "You see? That was a rhetorical question, and you know what? I don't know how many planets I've destroyed, and you know why?"

Brainiac shakes his head.

"Because I don't care!" I tell him. "Brainiac you have to learn to let go a little, I usually give a planet a simple alternative, surrender to me or die! If they surrender I enslave their people and bend them to my will, and if not I blow them up and forget all about it, simple! You see? You have to be able to move on with your life, and let these things go!"

Brainiac looks confused, stupid machine! One day his memory banks are going to get too full of all that useless information he collects and totally crash his system, and then what's he going to do? Oh I can't take myself to Fry's Electronics, or PC World for an upgrade because Duh! I blew them all up!

"So how do I let go?" Brainiac asks.

"Well you need to get yourself a hobby," I explain.

"What is your hobby?" He asks in that dull flat emotionless tone that tells me that this conversation is going to be a total waste of time.

"Well I've recently taken up aerobics, I enjoy video games, fast food, and movies!" I tell him.

"My systems are fully functional, I do not require exercise or nutritional sustenance!" He replies.

"Well okay Brainy," I say through gritted teeth, " if you are so great at analysing everything, what do you think is troubling you?"

Brainiac pauses, "I am lonely and depressed." He explains, "I'm not getting you down am I?"

"No no of course not!" I reply trying to sound convincing.

"Only I would hate to think that I was bringing you down too!"

Maxima who has been pretending to sleep the whole time suddenly gets up. "Have you ever thought of taking up singing?" She asks him.

"Singing?" He pauses as his system scans for an interpretation, "Ahh the sound one makes when fusing one's voice in harmony to melodic sounds."

"Yeah that!" I confirm.

"I will go away and think about it!" And with that Brainiac gets into his bulbous headed ship and flies off.

I need another drink…


	17. A Word From Darkseid

Monday:

It's day one of the filming for my new fitness DVD. I am asked to say a few words on the introduction.

"Hi! I'm Darkseid and welcome to my new fitness program designed to get you back in shape! So get off the couch and join in, don't slouch in fear and stop drinking your beer! Put down those chips and take the weight off your hips! But please remember that if you suffer from back, neck, or knee injuries please check with your local physician before taking up exercise. Darkseid Productions can accept no responsibility for injuries or accidents arising as a result of copying the moves depicted on this DVD, and if you try and sue me I'll destroy your planet!"

I made that last bit up myself!

So then we start filming the exercises accompanied by Ice Cube's music, or rather my body double films it whilst I play "Grand Theft Auto."


	18. The Worlogog

Tuesday:

Metron decides to drop by. This guy is so dull and depressing that he makes Brainiac seem like Jim Carrey! Metron usually only turns up, floating in that silly chair of his, to warn us all of universal doom. It's usually something big and powerful like a sun eater munching it's way in our direction, or a crisis on multiple universes, or one of the springs in his chair has come loose.

This means I then have to assemble a team of heroes and villains, we all have to put aside our differences and work together, usually by splitting into teams to save the universe.

But today he is here about Brainiac.

Metron has this really powerful artefact called a Worlogog, which gives the bearer control over time itself. Recently Metron entrusted this power to an android known as Hourman but this didn't work out so he's looking for another candidate.

"And you think Brainiac is your guy?" I ask.

Metron nods, "he is looking for a new hobby."

"And what?" I ask incredulously, "You want to know what I think? Is that it?"

Metron is actually supposed to be the god of reason and intellect, he's supposed to know everything, and he shouldn't need second opinions so why the heck am I being dragged into what sounds like the most stupid idea I've ever heard.

Giving Brainiac power over the time stream? It's like telling Flash to look after your cakes, or the Martian Manhunter not to eat your Oreos, you know you can't trust them.

"I just don't think I can cope with the responsibility anymore!" Metron admits.

"So why don't you give it to me?"

"Because you will use time travel to conquer the universe!"

"Er Yeah, but if you give it to Brainiac he will use time travel to destroy the universe!"

Maxima suggests that he hides it under the bed in an old shoe box, but Metron say's that's where he's keeping it now and then realises he's made a boo-boo!

He rushes off to hide the worlogog someplace else before I get time to assemble a force to go and steal it. I don't really want it anyway, got enough time on my hands as it is!


	19. The Improbable Son

Wednesday:

My stupid son Kalibak who is always trying to find ways to gain my approval, has returned from my newly conquered world of Almerac. He say's that everything is fine there, and asks if he can go to earth and kill Superman for me?

I tell him not just now thanks.

He asks if he can kill Superman tomorrow?

I tell him maybe and that we'll see.

He then asks if I want him to bring back fries and nuggets on the way back from killing Superman? I tell him to just go and get me some food now and not to worry about the Superman thing. I just haven't got the time or energy to deal with super heroes at the moment.

He then asks me if I think Wonder Woman likes him?

I tell Kalibak that this is unlikely.

Kalibak insists that she always looks at him.

I tell Kalibak that this is because he always drools and dribbles in her presence.

I shrug my shoulders and tell my son that Wonder Woman is way out of his league, and that I will find him a wife on the next planet I invade. In the meantime I tell him to try and study and become more intelligent, (completely futile I know but you have to try.)

Kalibak tells me he's been doing maths again. I know this is a lie because the last home tutor I employed for him quit. In fact every home tutor I have ever employed for Kalibak has quit ! Or died…

"Okay son," I challenge him, "What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

"That's easy!" Kalibak repliers, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


	20. dA nEx bIt

Thursday:

hElLo mY nAmE iZ kAlIbAk. mY dAd cArNt bLoG tOdAy cOz hE iS bUzY fIlMiNg hIs aYrO... A-y-r-o-b-i-x!

pS mY dAd sAYz I cAn mArRy wUnDa wOmAn wEn wE tAkE oVeR dA eArTh!


	21. Desaad Returns

Friday:

I have now placed Parademons on 24 hour guard outside my terminal, where no one is to blog on it except me. The punishment is of course death.

I just gave Kalibak a warning this time.

Yesterday I did indeed do feeds and links and promotional photos for my DVD. I asked if they were going to CGI my stomach but apparently they will just use my body double, apparently the pictures I posed for yesterday are the "before" shots and my body doubles pictures are the "after" shots.

Whatever that means...

Today I am bored so I resurrected Desaad, he is always a little disorientated after this and naturally asked "where he was?"

I told him that he was on Apokolips.

"Have I missed Christmas?" He asked.

I confirmed that he had, but reminded him that there is no christmas on Apokolips.

"So I didn't miss much then," he comments.

I told Desaad that I have taken up aerobics and now forgiven him over the whole Lobo thing.

He seemed pleased and realised that he was alive again and that this time he was not going to miss out on his birthday next year.

I told Desaad that for my new years resolution I have decided to cancel all birthdays on Apokolips except for mine. delighted at his disappointment I then left him to sulk.

I will probably still have to get Maxima a present though.


End file.
